FDM:
After a rather entertaining Shayol Ghul montage on the big screen, the lights center on your Fearless Org Leader, Far Dareis Mai. Smiling to her devoted audience, she takes a bow.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Trollocs and Fades. Welcome to our first annual Mock Awards ceremony! Shayol Ghul's upper crust gathered in the Bore and slaved over just the right awards, and the best nominee's for them. After a week of voting, the results have been tallied, and the awards are ready to be presented!"
The crowd erupts in applause. Cameras flash, and the Trollocs begin clinking their cookpots together. Raising her hand to silence the mob, she continues.
"Tonight we have several collegues presenting the awards. The awards will be presented in the order in which they appeared on the ballot, and each winner will have an opportunity to say a few words. So without futher ado, I wish to welcome our first presenter; Shayol Ghul's newest Tai Shaidar Sedai, Barmacral!"
Most Likely to Break the Rules
Barmacral:
The spotlights come on and the curtain pulls back revealing a large cloud of smoke. Slowly clearing a silhouette appears, and eventually coalesces into a man. Stepping forward Eclipse clears his throat and adjusts the microphone, opens his mouth and blood pours out. He then falls over, with a large knife labelled BA on it.
“And that, my dear Eclipse, is what happens when you try to rough me up for my pants, because you didn’t have the foresight to remember your own.
“So could the contestants line up over top of these floor panels that are not actually trap doors please. The contestants, in case you are wondering, are Chillimous, Moir, and Twitch.”
Obedient dogs that they were, Moir and Twitch promptly ran up onto the stage and stood exactly where they were supposed to. Being trap doors, since Barm had made it blindingly obvious, they quickly opened beneath them, Moir falling into a pit of rusty razor blades and vinegar, and Twitch falling into a Rancor pit. After both of them died, Chillimous walked up on stage.
“Well, that leaves you left as the only remaining candidate for most likely to break the rules, such as you did here. Guess that makes you the winner of this contest, I suppose it’s a good thing you actually got the most votes too.”
Chillimous:
Ambling onto the stage but taking ample caution of the deliciously obvious trap doors, Chilli emerges. Clearing his throat, he taps his cards in a neat fashion and adjusts his dress. Must look your best, after all. He had even curled his eyelashes… That didn't seem to hide the obvious brown marks trailing down the back of his legs that had accumulated from many months of not wiping.
"Well, then. You want a speech?..
No. That's all…
Actually, in retrospect. I bloody well deserve this award. I've been banned more times than the lot of you combined, my good friends. All of you! You don't even compare to my evilness! Don't even dream of it! I was first banned for ceaselessly decimating HotW in every thread she dared post in. Brutally. THEN I was banned for evading that ban and coming back to annoy you all. That ban lasted over a year! A YEAR! Then I returned again to accuse HotW again of being a sowish bulldyke of a woman who had nothing but lies and deceit to spread, and was banned. AGAIN! And THEN I dared evade that ban again, the deliciousness of it all. And then I called Roka a fag in The Bore.
If I don't deserve this bloody award then I don't know who does."
Letting out a loud harumph he storms off stage, making sure to take a steaming dump in the Rancor pit for good measure before he left.
Funniest Member
Talya:
Talya glided out onto the stage wearing a black dress. As she walked the dress flashed red, giving the impression of dripping blood. As she stepped up to the podium she brough a black shiney envelope, caressing it gently with a small smile on her face.
"Ladies, Gentlemen and ShadowSpawn, the nominations for the funniest SGer are…"
She paused and slipped her finger along the edge of the envelope, as it open two wisps of black smoke slipped from the opening and whirled up above the audience, growing as they climbed. The smile grew on her lips as she watched them, for a moment transfixed by them.
Looking back at the audience she spoke the name of the first nominee…
"DEMI…"
She waited and watched with delight as one on the black wisps of smoked swirled faster and faster and headed down entering the naked form of Demi as he sat mesmerised. He face began to contort, eyes bulged, silently he screamed as blood dripped from his eyes, his ear, his mouth . Without warning he exploded splattering those that sat next to him.
The next nominee's name slipped slowly from Talyas lips, who was enjoying watching her pets as they worked…
"HAX"
Thistime the wisp of smoke divided straight for Hax, drove straight into his body, this time his scream was blood curdling as the entity seem to rip the flesh from his body devouring it as it went from the inside. He turned a shade of grey as the life was sucked out him until all that was left was the skeleton covered by a thin grey skin. He eyes staring into the distant.
The two wisps flew into the air and squeezed themselves into a box Talya had pulled out. Once in there safe she Spoke once more…
"That leaves only one.
The Winner of the Funniest SGer goes to….BARM…."
Clapping she stepped back and allowed Barmy to accept his reward!
Haxorsist:
"Barm won another funniest award? I'll have to let JD know…"
Barmacral:
"I'll keep my speech short, I'd just like to note what my other half has already said. This is my second funniest award. Ha."
Best Spammer
Eclipse:
Eclipse walks up to the dais smiling.
"When I first showed up here as a dark-eyed Lightful, I thought I had seen it all as far as Message Boards go. I've received one Hell of an education since then on the meaning of Spam, which is what our next award is all about! The 'Best Spammer Award' is given out to those of us who have naught much better to do than sit in front of our screens and be unable to resist hitting that 'reply' button, no matter whether you have something to contribute.
Is done out of boredom? Too much free time on your hands? Loneliness maybe? Perhaps a desperate need for attention? All of our nominees have of these given qualifications and have demonstrated as such! They are in no particular order, Soggy-bottom Moggy, with her never ending array of posts about tea. Next we have none other than, Demi 'too-sexy for his pants' Dunbar, with his 'must waggle in every thread' Philosophy. Last but certainly not least when it comes to being full of hot air, BadCo with his Bad-Fro!
The winner of this priceless award, since it has no monetary value, shall receive for the pleasure and peace of mind of the rest of Thankandar's inhabitants, two weeks tied up in a straight jacket locked inside a wooden chest with 14 sexy scorpions, one for each day of delight we'll have in hearing the screams rather than sorting through the constant drivel which spews relentlessly for from their fingertips.
Drum roll please…"
Watches as TMD rolls a drum off the balcony which lands on Hax
"Excellent!
And the Spammer of the Year is…
His Nudeness, Hisself, DEMI!!! Congratulations, sir, and don't worry, your straight jacket is flame retardant and you'll still have the freedom to waggle in plain site!"
Stands ready at the podium with a statuette
Demi:
Tears streaming down his face, the Demigod stumbles onto the stage, only slightly hindered by two gaping holes, both of which emitting loud screams, presumably of agony.
"Ohgodohgodohgod! Okay, so I didn't reaaally prepare a speech, buuut…. *fumbles inside hypothetical jacket pocket*
I'd just like to thank the academy, and my mom, and the dark one, and all of you who never gave up on me, no matter how nude I was! And yes, I don't have any friends and I'm very lonely, and I'm very happy that I could have this award, because it proves to me that on the internet, anyone is cool, and I don't have to kill everyone
ROCK ON!"
*is especially nude for this fine occasion, polished and shining in the spotlights*
Hairiest Member
Demi
"Ah, here I am, wallowing in my own crapulence (it's not what it sounds like, look it up and it might make sense) and I almost forgot that I, yes me, the illustrious Demigod, am the one to announce the next award, yes, a most coveted and prestigeous award, surrounded by mystique and glory. Today, boys and ghouls, I come before you, shining in the bright light, to announce the nominees for…"
*Narrows eyes and looks hard at the noteboard*
"Hattie…Ha…Hariest member! Woo, yeah! Now, instead of yelling out the names of our honourable nominees, I shall let you see them, in all their glory!
First, sporting some hair on both head and chin, and many other body parts that are readily available for your viewing pleasure, it's me! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm presenting myself, an honourable nominee (AND SURELY, THE WINNER!?) of this quite incomprehensibly awesome award!"
*Does a little pirouette*
"Secondly, sporting some hair on both head and jaw, and lets not forget that chest (YES LADIES, HE MIGHT BE FREE!) it's the mous that has hints of chilli, CHILLIMOUS! Woo, yeah! Look at him now, gnawing at his first trophy like rodent he is! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he sure is hairy."
*Whips Chilli until he spins, somewhat reluctantly*
"And lastly, but not leastly, it's mr. Beastly (I MADE A RHYME!), ROKA himself! Widely reckognized as one of the hairiest creatures in the universe, this nominee packs quite a punch, but will he be the one to take the oversized and golden trophy home to pin on his wall/put on his mantlepiece/boil in his cookpot? Who knows! Not me, that's for sure!
And, the award, FOR MOST HAIRIEST MEMBER OF SHAYOL GHUL, 2008, goes toooooo….
*Slowly starts biting off the top of the envelope, accompanied by a crescendo of screams*
"Yes, I should have seen it coming…
It's…
Is it?
…
YES!
CHI… oh wait.
ROKAAAAAAAA!"
*The Roka theme song plays as the audience applaud the great hairy one unto the stage, where Demi presents him with the golden ball of fur*
"Speech!"
Roka:
All I've got to say is, I deserve this award. *Nods*
Loosest Member
Barmacral:
What is a Slew? A slew is you, all the time, no matter what the reason. A slew is also a more fun term to use around old people, because they all giggle when you shout across the room calling your friend a slew, whereas they all grumble when you use slut. Yes, slew stands for slut. And on that note, I’m here to present the award for the loosest member of SG this year.
So, the three most notable slews in SG are Mightelove, Haxorsist, and Canukistani. Only one of them can be the biggest slew of them all. Haxorsist put up a very close fight, and almost won, but in the end…
…
…
…
Canukistani is the SG Slew of the year!
Canukistani:
Canuk comes out of the broom closet and staggers up on stage sobbing, one hand holding her dress on and the other hand patting her hair back into place.
"Oh My -sob- God!! Oh My God -sob-!! I, I -sob- I never imagined…" The rest of her words are lost in her emotion.
She wipes tears from her eyes and runs off the stage and grabs the hand of a very hairy and icky trolloc trying to untangle himself from some brooms and mops. She drags him in front of the microphone.
"You -sob- give the -sob- speech for me -sob-"
Azrael:
"Wow… the Slew of the Year… An honor to be sure. Where to begin… Ah yes. Let’s start at the basics. Canuck would like to thank her “Unique” biochemistry. Can’t be a Nympho without the chemistry to back it up now can you? Speaking of that, she’d like to extend thanks to all her lovers, past, present and, of course, imagined. Who else could have such a verried and spotted love life than our very own Canuck. She has been known to have sex with one man, while talking about having sex with another, referencing the fact that she was fantasizing about a third… only to start fantasizing about said third man all over again. And let us not forget that this is not simply a “Who can get laid the most often” but who does it with more finesse and style?
Who else incorporates as many toys? Who has enough pron on their computer to crash most normal servers? Who other than our own flexible and insatiable Canuk has entire sub categories of adult entertainment registered with Google? “If it doesn’t feature tentacles and blood, it just doesn’t do it for me” is a quote I think we have all heard from her at one time or another.
Yet, if it weren’t for her hormones, she’d be a nice normal girl out playing with dolls and trying to decide what to cook for dinner for her husband and children. I think we all owe a massive round of applause to Canukistani’s hormones! Give it up people!"
Girliest Member
Barmacral:
"So there was an award put out in this years set of awards for what I thought was the person most likely to wear a pushup bra and hit on all the guys and make me a sandwich whenever I was hungry an demanded one. As it turns out, I was right. What I didn’t expect was that we were also voting on the most likely to spend hours in front of the mirror doing their makeup, several hours filing and painting their nails and the most likely to scream in pure terror and imagined pain at the lightest touch.
Naturally, this knocked Nyn right out of the running, since we know that she runs with the bulls in Spain at least once a year.
This left Talya with her firetongs and Hax with his high pitched voice. Naturally, Hax won in a landslide with 8 votes. Congrats to Hax for being more pathetic than everyone else!"
Haxorsist:
"It wasn't most feminine, it was girliest. Thank you everybody who voted for me (including me) I've put really hard work into getting this award and I really deserve it. Barm, if I'm a girl, so are you. Wingman? I mean Winggirl?"
Most Likely to Tell a Joke and Receive Nothing but Silence
Barmacral:
"So I spent many hours mulling over how to present the next award, I googled various best man speeches, the ‘I have a dream’ speech, and every speech ever made by President Bush. The problem with all these speeches though, is that every one of them was funnier and more likely to get a laugh than the candidates for our next award, ‘Most likely to tell a joke and receive nothing but silence’.
So suffice to say, I decided that the best way to do this award was to be absolutely unfunny, which I hear I have much practice at. Well, here goes:
The three candidates for this award are Eclipse, TMD and Badco. The winner is… oh look, there’s two winners, its like twins! (que nobody laughing cause it really is unfunny, even in mockery) The winners are TMD and Eclipse!
Hmm… presenting that award felt a lot like… everyone else presenting their awards. Boring. Congrats TMD and Eclipse!"
Eclipse:
"I'd like to thank FDM for having Barmy present this award. He is the true standard of unfunny, his reputation is world renowned and his presence makes it all the more special.
I'd like to thank TMD and BadCo as well. The Dreadie tradition of humour too sophisticated for Black Ajah has continued. It's quite amusing when the Trollocs get your jokes but it's over the heads of the so called educated masses from the White Tower…"
*Chuckles to himself as crickets can be heard chirping from the BA section*
"Ah, I'm glad to show proof that I deserve this award!"
*Steps back from the podium to let TMD have the final word*
TMD:
Oh my I…*tells a joke to break the tension*
Knock! Knock! *waits for the "Who's there" answer*
<.<
*Hears a trolloc in the back say it*
Me! I balefire you!
*hears nothing but crickets and someone farting in the front row*
"Ok, enough of that now… Well I thank you all very much! I definitely deserve this award!
I would also like to thank you FDM for letting Barmy present this award. The greatness that is this award is unknown to those that are to pitiful to gain it themselves. Other than not being funny I also make no sense half the time! I don't care about that either since the nonsense and unfunnyness Is that a word? Well it is now are the perfections that I have come to understand lead to true greatness…and because the BA and SS are too dumb to understand my jokes is proof to the fact that I am great!
So Yes, I definitely deserve this award! Back to you FDM."
Most Fertile Member
Moghedian:
Moghedian slowly meandered up to the stage with the envelope with the results in it in her hand as 'The Sound of Music' was sung by a choir of Darkfriends in the background. After balefiring a random trolloc in the audience with the true power- because she can, she took the microphone.
'My first thought when I read the message from Far this morning was 'Argh, more presentations to organise.' Then I realised that instead of giving the role of presenting one of Hax's awards to another BA member the Org Leader herself gave the all-important role to a DL. I wonder what this could mean… ' Ducking quickly she managed to avoid the fireballs thrown at her.
'Anyway, on to presenting the award…
The nominees for the title of being Shayol Ghuls Most Fertile Member for the year of 2008 were Mighte, Far and Eli. Winning in a landslide was…' She checks the results again.
…
…
ALAKSULEIEL!!!!
*Throws confetti*
Alaksuleiel:
*Crawls into the room, massive stomach swaying underneath her*
"I win suckers! I mean after all my hard work I finally get what I deserve, something else to dust!"
then to her kids: "now which of you little brats is going to carry this award home for me?!?!"
Awesometest
Demi:
"HEY, it's my turn!"
"Woo!" *Wipes sweat from forehead and enters the spotlight*
*Naked as the day I was born, genitalia dangling and shining brightly in the bright light*
"Today, dear friends and beloved ones, I am here to present an award most coveted, an award that might just change the way you go about your daily business. Hopefully, this award will open your eyes to the kindness of the world, and make you ruin it by stabbing things uncontrollably and then laugh at it. Yes, today, my award doesn't have anything to do with the things I said, but is, infact, a measure of popularity, of… AWESOMEMESTESTNESS!
AND THE NOMINEES ARE!
For her work in awesomemestness for several years, this awesome lady has secured her nomination by repeatedly being awesome upto several times a week, please welcome FAR DAREIS MAI!"
*Polite applause*
"Our second nominee, a man from the icy north, widely renowned for his awesomeness , PER EXAMPLE IN HIS PICTURES, is no one but Hax, the awesomely awesome awesomefest from Norway.
THIRDLY, a wild kiwi appears, being quite awesome by proxy, and only reinforcing this cliché by his general air of awesome. It is, Pandy.
and the winner, ladies and gentle men, is…"
*drums*
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FDM!
"WOOOOO!"
*Presents her with the award, an awesome ball of awesome*
FDM: (NB: Posted after the 'Most Creative Award')
"Sorry Eclipse, I was rather icky and grumpy this past week.
And thanks, everyone! I mean…everyone who voted for me!" >.>
*claps for Demi* Congrats, Demidoo!
Most Creative Member
Eclipse:
"The boring and the mundane are things that plague this world. The internet and message board forums are no exception to this disease. Luckily, we have those that bring flavor and spice into our miserable existence with their creativity.
That is what this next award is about.
Whether it be Demi and his nude spontaneous waggling, Twitch and his new and unique ways of penetrating the unexpected or Zyr and his riddles and puzzles that nobody gets, each one of these three has brought some dissonance into the routine, and for that we show our appreciation by mauling the two who are inferior to the best.
So we'll start this off by eliminating the one with the fewest votes. Since he loves math so much, I have a question for him. How do you get the derivative of a Zyr?"
*pushes a button*
"Like this!"
*Zyr's seat ejects him and he lands in a giant tub. A press descend into tub squeezing out every last drop of Zyr juice. Eclipse dips a gimlet into the juice bowl and takes a sip.*
"Ah, it's good for the soul! Now we are down to two. It is ironic that these two lovers are left standing. You know how the saying goes, you always hurt the ones you love! I'd like to invite Demi and Twitch to come up on the stage. Now Demi, you are going to need a special suit for this. Have no fear, it will not cover any of your dangly bits. "
*Demi is fit for a crotchless mesh suit with various spikes sewn throughout.*
"Now the winner of the most creative Ghuler is none other than Demi!"
*watches as the elated Demi jumps up and down and runs over and hugs Twitch impaling him with many many spiked rods.*
"Well my work here is done…"
*Exits the podium*
Demi:
"Why, thank you very much, people of Shayol Ghul, I feel that you are, indeed, THE MOST AWESOME PEOPLE ALIVE, for granting me this honour! ALSO, TWITCH, I LOVE YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE JUICE NOW, and I can't believe Pandy wasn't nominated, and Zyr, you're always delicious!"
*Bows and leaves, sobbing*
Jelly:
See? I told you so… 
Badco: (NB: Posted after the 
